A man answered a ring at the door only to find a 6' insect standing there. Before he could express surprise it got hold of him and viciously attacked him leaving him bruised and bleeding. He went straight round to the surgery where the doctor saw him quickly and asked him what happened. He told him he'd answered the door and had been attacked by this awful creature. The doctor shook his head..I'm not surpirsed he told him, you're not the first, there's as nasty bug going around.
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Welcome to the Whirligig Message Board. This is the forum to discuss 1950's television and radio in Britain. You can ask questions about the programmes, try answering other people's queries or just tell us all about your nostalgic memories
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Joke thread
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 pat |
Joke thread |
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Posts: 7606 (Tue, 2-Mar-04 22:53:39) Super Turnip |
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BROOMHOUSE |
Re: Joke thread | ||
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Posts: 7467 (Tue, 2-Mar-04 23:05:57) |
WARNING!!!
I hate those hoax warnings, but this one is important!!! Please send this toeveryone on your email list. If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, do not show him your bum. This is a scam; he only wants to see your bum. I wish I knew this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap. _________________________________________________ Pat-did you get the joke? do you think it will get past Mike S? |
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pat |
Re: Joke thread | ||
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Posts: 7606 (Tue, 2-Mar-04 23:55:41) Super Turnip |
er..no..its not there Broomy..just where did you send it???????
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BROOMHOUSE |
Re: Joke thread | ||
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Posts: 7467 (Wed, 3-Mar-04 00:13:13) |
ok pat----i'll reply to the mail you sent to me a while back---i'll put it on there.
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pat |
Re: Joke thread | ||
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Posts: 7606 (Wed, 3-Mar-04 00:45:10) Super Turnip |
havent got the photos Broomy..got the email but no photos...
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pat |
photo joke | ||
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Posts: 7606 (Wed, 3-Mar-04 11:30:57) Super Turnip |
um, Broomy, you could try but think it will be erased quicly!
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Unregistered(d) |
Desert Island | ||
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Posts: 0 (Wed, 3-Mar-04 14:24:32) |
A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years!", he says. She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, oh man! Is that good!" Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?" He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow! That's fantastic!" Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, "And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun?" And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got a playstation in there?" |
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Harry Fielder |
Pat,,,,, | ||
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Posts: 1051 (Wed, 3-Mar-04 17:01:18) Celebrity Turnip |
I call my wife ''The Light Of My Life'' (about 14 watts) My mother in law came round last night and I knew it was her before she even knocked,,,,, ( the mice were throwing themselves on the traps) Aitch,,,,,, |
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jimbo |
Joke for Techies | ||
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Posts: 18362 (Wed, 3-Mar-04 19:12:45) Moperator |
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Signed, Desperate. Dear Desperate: First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System! Please enter the command: "http:I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7. Good Luck, Tech Support |
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Wendy Stevenson |
Joke | ||
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Posts: 32778 (Wed, 3-Mar-04 19:30:25) Super Turnip |
That's one of the best jokes I've read for a long time Jim.
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jimbo |
Joke | ||
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Posts: 18362 (Wed, 3-Mar-04 19:33:55) Moperator |
Hi Wendy,
Glad you liked it - only received it myself today and as there are, it seems, a few techies here, nay, possibly a veritable plethora of same, I though that I would share it. Jim |
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BROOMHOUSE |
Re: Joke | ||
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Posts: 7467 (Thu, 4-Mar-04 15:06:32) |
Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off an afternoon "quickie" with their 10 year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on
all the neighborhood activities. To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so. The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by..." A few moments passed.... "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex!!!" Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked. "Their kid is standing on the balcony too!"  |
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Stuart |
Re: Joke | ||
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Posts: 1970 (Thu, 4-Mar-04 15:11:46) |
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she said, "Then, you used to kiss me." Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said, "Then, you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed covers and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!" |
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pat |
Re: Joke | ||
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Posts: 7606 (Thu, 4-Mar-04 17:14:51) Super Turnip |
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BROOMHOUSE |
Re: Joke | ||
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Posts: 7467 (Fri, 5-Mar-04 03:19:00) |
Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead. Now it goes to school with her, Between two chunks of bread. ---------------------------- Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon 10,000 volts went up its bum And turned its wool to nylon. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Georgie Porgy pudding and pie. Kissed the girls and made them cry When the boys came out to play, He kissed them too, cause he was gay. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jack and Jill went up the hill to have some hanky panky silly Jill forgot her pill and now there's little Frankie. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 
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Stuart |
Re: Joke | ||
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Posts: 1970 (Fri, 5-Mar-04 11:17:49) |
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Unregistered(d) |
They're out there.. | ||
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Posts: 0 (Sat, 6-Mar-04 02:25:07) |
Actual Courtroom Statement
---------------------------------- Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy. Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. 
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Stuart |
Re: Joke | ||
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Posts: 1970 (Sun, 7-Mar-04 16:32:27) |
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a University of Duke Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Auburn University in Alabama.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu." The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: "Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu." The audience went wild! How they wondered could the redneck top that? The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited: "Tim and me, a-huntin' went. Met three whores in a pop-up tent. They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu |
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jimbo |
Re: A Joke | ||
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Posts: 18362 (Sun, 7-Mar-04 16:59:04) Moperator |
This could have gone either here or in the Womans Role/Mans Role thread I suppose however: as it is a joke and surely would never happen - I decided to place it here.
A woman is enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends one day. "Oh,no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked if it's not ready on time." When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket,and all she has in the house is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise,the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day." Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around when one of them said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his backside." |
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Alan |
A Joke | ||
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Posts: 211 (Sun, 7-Mar-04 18:21:27) |
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very irritable, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the vet diagnosed the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Joe, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Joe, it was rumoured, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Joe to satisfy the female gorilla. They approached Joe with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for 500? He responded that he was interested but would have to think the matter over. The following day, Joe announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions: "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her," and "Second, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union." The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, but what could be the third? "Well," said Joe , "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred quid." |
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Wendy Stevenson |
Re: A Joke | ||
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Posts: 32778 (Sun, 7-Mar-04 18:40:31) Super Turnip |
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One afternoon they couldn't wait any longer so they rushed over to her place where they spent the afternoon making passionate love. Afterwards they fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.p.m. They got dressed quickly. Then the man told the secretary to take his shoes and rub them on the grass. She did as she was asked thinking that he was a bit weird. The man finally got home and was met at the door by his wife. She asked him where he had been. The man replied "I can't tell a lie. I'm having an affair with my secretary and today we left work early, went to her place and spent the afternoon making love. We didn't wake up until 8.p.m. and that's why I'm late" The wife looked at him and then looked at his shoes "I can see those grass stains on youre shoes - YOU DAMNED LIAR - you've been out playing golf again!" |
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